Bite your tongue

A few months ago someone told me, "You react faster than you think". That was perhaps the mildest way anyone could have put it.

I am habitually impulsive when it comes to blowing my top. The counting to ten never occurs to me even subconsciously and invariably I spew out in full acrimony the words and thoughts that would've just started to form in my head. Needless to say, I end up regretting most of the episodes in retrospection.

I remember an incident from childhood. I came home from school and was puzzled to find my bicycle missing. Flushing with anger, I asked around the house, "Where's my cycle?". "Your cousin has come. He asked if he could ride it to your aunt's house. I gave him permission", my Grandpa said.
Without another word, I flung my bag aside and strode off to my aunt's house.
"Hiiiiiiii!", my cousin beamed. "Give me my cycle", I screamed. Before he could react, I took away the bicycle and rode off in a huff. Didn't even say so much as a hello. Years later, I feel miserable and foolish when I think about it. I hope my cousin was able to forgive me.
Though I became a tad calmer after schooling years, my temper still gave room for enough such regrettable instances.

Last evening my superior from my European project gave me a call. Now I consider him a paragon of patience. No matter what happens, no matter how much anybody else in the project room hollers or yells, he keeps his cool and first decides to sort out the issue. A genuine troubleshooter, I've observed that he always looks for solutions and not for problems. I hope I can take a leaf out of his book.

It was regarding a critical topic. A regular blame game issue. As we spoke, I could feel the steam building up within me. The pitch in my voice began its ascent. "Hemanth, I want you to stop speaking and listen to me for a minute". I wasn't prepared to heed. "Will you listen to me? I want to tell you something....", "No!", I was defiant. It was about the absence of a key person. "Listen...", he tried again. But I went on and spoke my mind. The words came out rapidly, vehement and decisively curt. There, I was all done venting and beginning to feel victorious on the argument.

"Hemanth," he said slowly allowing a moment of silence. "She lost her father and had to return home".
I was numbed. I babbled a shaky apology. Suddenly everything seemed so insignificant. I felt terribly ashamed and small. If only I had listened to him and stopped myself from bellowing for a minute, I would've felt less of a sinner. I said a silent prayer for the bereaved family and asked for forgiveness.

It's very true. All those quotes and articles about the importance of good listening, about the two ears one mouth concept, about the irrevocability of the spoken word.

Last night I made a conscious resolve to watch my temper and keep my words in check. A small step towards becoming a better person.

Prayers

Parting note: Mukesh Khanna's character in Saugandh, 'Zubaan ek aisi tawaif hai jo hamesha mujra karti hai. Kabhi hamare saamne, kabhi doosron ke saamne'.